Snooping on One's Spouse Online - Is It Okay?

According to Ian Kerner, Ph.D., Sex therapist, and relationship counselor, yes you should! Because "I think that Internet infidelity is one of the biggest issues that couples face today, and with digital technology increasingly playing a role in divorce, we have to be all the more vigilant." According to the late Shirley Glass, whose book “Not Just Friends” still remains the classic treatise on the subject: “Emotional affairs are characterized by secrecy, emotional intimacy and sexual chemistry. Emotional affairs can be more threatening than brief sexual flings.” "The No. 1 danger of Internet infidelity is not that it could lead to actual sexual infidelity, but that it so easily diverts precious emotional resources away from one’s core relationship."

Kerner goes on to say " I personally believe that in a committed relationship there should be nothing to hide. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t respect your partner’s privacy, but I think that that respect first and foremost demands a foundation of trust." He then goes on to ask "But what about when trust is not a given in your relationship, and you’re worried that your partner might be engaging in behaviors that you’d consider inappropriate?"

To which I say, if trust is not a given in your relationship then you should not be in that relationship.

The results of the poll following this tripe are that 67% of respondants said Yes you should snoop because "couples should not have secrets from each other".

No, no, and no again!

For all of those who said yes, for the next week each day and every day, I want you to write down and then tell your partner everything you said to whom when where why- all the details. Then you will detail when and where and how you went some place and for what reason. You will explain your choices in clothing, demeanor, spending for the day. You will give all details regarding your phone calls, your emails, your texts both sent and received including the spam. You will also record and divulge your feelings and thoughts experienced no matter how fleeting or seemingly irrelevant. You will also honestly answer in full detail any questions I may ask for as long as I care to repeat the question.

Sound like PRISON yet? How long will be 'enough' to satisfy such a weak partner? The rest of your life? Do you really want or need to know everything?

Sweeties - if you cannot take it do NOT give it.

This is an example of what I consider 'encouraging weakness' that is indulging every needy, grasping little whine instead of confronting the poor behavior of one's partner. Emotional energy is not in short supply, after all your can love your spouse, your kids, your parents, other relatives, your friends... so where is this scarcity?

This is pure 'vanilla' romantic trash for those who remain 13 years old - that is to say children themselves.

The Three Systems of Love

It may cause dismay, but we must realise that we are, in very large part, a product of our body and of our brain. The hormones and chemicals released, or not, govern our physical, mental, and emotional being.

The Neuro-Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, and her colleagues, have studied love for 30 years. The findings that follow may be controversial but they do give scientific support to what most of us intuitively know - you can love, truly love, more than one person at the same time.

Based upon the brain chemicals released, Dr. Fisher has divided the love cycle into three phases: Lust, Romantic Love, and Attachment. Simply stated these correspond to the release of Serotonin, Dopamine, and Oxytocin, respectively.

Lust is the drive to mate which gets you out of the house and into the bar or night club. This is where you search for a large selection pool of possible mates - the more the merrier as it were.
Romantic Love is where you focus upon the one person and ignore all others wisely conserving your mating time and energy.
Attachment is the deep and abiding bond that develops between long term partners.
But these three systems are only LOOSELY bound together and it is entirely possible to lust after person A while loving person B while attached to person C.

Now, riding the Sero-Dopa-Oxy Wave may not suit you in particular but there is sound evolutionary necessity behind this interesting set-up. It is all about the successful raising of offspring as a team. Find a mate, win a mate, keep a mate but also be prepared to re-bond with a different mate should the first mate be lost basically sums it up. You could say it was a way of hedging your sexual bets. Life may not be 'nasty, brutish, and short' any longer but we are still set-up for when life was precisely that. Evolution works slowly.

Please note that these findings apply to both genders, all societies, and all socio-economic groups. Also be aware that there is a sizable group within all populations that do ride the Sero-Dopa-Oxy Wave and enjoy it very much.

Food for thought!

Feminine Sexual Competition

Females compete for males by trying to meet masculine ideals of femininity more completely than her rivals. Whatever the male values, will be prominently displayed. Whatever he doesn't, will be carefully hidden away. This is regardless of the price to herself.

Beauty is the first thing addressed since males are visual creatures. Youth and evidence of fecundity come next. Empires have been built by selling women this cream or that surgical procedure. Improve upon Nature is the slogan.

Loyalty, modesty, shyness, weakness, being meek, mild, and soft spoken follow shortly thereafter because males fear being married to a harridan and they fear having to raise a child that is not their own. Females will hide their true selves away rather than risk driving males away.

Females will abandon their sisters and seek to destroy thier fellow females to secure males. They will spread poison trying to destroy whatever value the rivals may have in masculine eyes.

All for what?

Males end up with a Non-person who will be and do whatever the male desires, however he wants it, whenever he wants it. Little Miss Robot with her empty head, plastic inserts, and diminished soul following along as he has programmed her to be. And all will be well.

Except - all will NOT be well.

People can try to deny their true selves all they want - it never works. Age will not be denied. Pregnancy, should it happen, will take over her body completely. Fears unaddressed will not stop eating away inside of her. Experience will couple with maturation with unanticipated results.

If the female has sacrificed all for the male - the male now has an unseen, often unimagined, enemy in his camp and in his bed. Little Miss Robot will always be watching for signs of betrayal or weakness. Any deviation on the part of the male will be seen as a threat and her true self will awaken. She will have her revenge.

Unfettered power over another is never good for people since it leads them to their own damnation. People simply cannot resist exploring their boundaries and this includes the boundaries of their power over another. What once filled them with the idea of being god no longer fulfills. But they want that feeling. So they explore further, and then further, and then further again.

If you doubt this, then history has taught you nothing.

So what is the answer?

For men: Accept that your ego is YOUR problem and not hers. Be honest with yourself and look for a woman whose character, temperment, and habits of mind compliment yuor own - as she really and truly is. Do NOT be satisfied with anything less than ALL she is. Never settle for less.

For women: Stop being AFRAID. Stop competing with other women for men. If this man does not value you as you truly are then get yourself one who does. If he says he loves you, say prove it. Judge a man by his actions and not by his words alone. Never hide who you are.

Everyone: Stop LYING to yourself and to others. Stop being WEAK.

The Pursuit of Happiness

"a man's reach should exceed his grasp,
else what's a heaven for?"


Always having something towards which one strives is usually thought of as being a good thing. And yet...I wonder. Always to strive yet never to achieve? Hmmm. Doesn't sound quite healthy to me since that is the path to obsession isn't it?

Unless one has moments of contentment along the way, the endless lack of satisfaction makes a bleak and barren life. One gets desperate; one begins to despair. Than, maybe, one begins to turn the pain into hate - of self, perhaps of others. The slip into pathology is a subtle one.

Yet those moments of contentment - when all is well, good, and joyous - can enrich even the bleakest life into something rich and wonderful. Held in the heart and remembered, moments where all is enchanted restore sanity and balance to life.

I do not ask you to tell of those moments but to remember them and tell me if my thory in paragraph 3 is correct and why or incorrect and why not?

It seems true to me.

Achieving Balance

Between work, home, the kids, paying bills and taxes - life can leave little room for a love life. DON'T let this happen! Resolve to find the time and space for at least 3 hours of relaxed yet focused participative sex per week. Orgasms and intimacy are good for your health.

In a way, sex is like breathing - it only really matters when you can't do it.

But the closing of the body also means a gradual closing of the mind and then of the heart - a once loving couple find themseves on the edge of divorce/separation/break-up. The loss of intimacy slowly grinds away eroding what the partners once shared.

Wrap your arms around your partner, say you love him/her and then KISS him/her to prove it! Do not take "no" for an answer! Be exuberant! Be joyous! Be tantalizing!

Stand and Deliver!

Because who ever had an orgasm they didn't like?

Reputation

Caring about what other people think of you is part of being a social animal - inherent in humans, but adults are expected to have and to exercise good judgment. Adults care about what those they respect think about them. All others' may be ignored.

Some people feel that men who get with soft dominatrices are emasculated. This shows not only a closed mind, a juvenile mind, but also a mind that is uncomfortable with sex/sexuality.

The point to remember is "I do what you're too afraid to even think about".

Experienced women do scare men who are insecure of their prowess. They fear they will be unable to perform in her bed.
Dominatrices scare men who are insecure in their masculinity. They fear being seen as "girly" or submissive by others.

The point to remember is "I do what you're too afraid to even think about".

Wrap your mind around this concept: it takes courage to cede control.

Fatalism

The real death for romance and superb sex is fatalism.
You think nothing will change. You think nothing will help.
You give up on your hopes. You give up on your dreams.

When all you need to do is to change your mindset.

If your basic ideas about men/women, sex, and relationships is wrong or unfulfilling, then you need to rethink, re-evaluate - and change what you believe is "true".

And this is not limited to your sex life. Fatalism is death in all areas of your life once it has caught hold. Fatlaism is a vampire that just sucks the lifeblood out of everything.

Instead of that, think of every day you wake up as a conquest! You have conquered! Celebrate each breath as if the next were your last! Every pulse of blood through your veins is a reason to rejoice!

For while there's life - there's a chance; there's a possibility!

Go for it!!

The Multi-Orgasmic Man

While it is true that no man can have as many orgasms as any woman, it is possible for men to have more than one orgasm per erection. All he has to do is to not ejaculate. Ejaculation triggers the refractory period (the resting period) in men so if he can avoid that, he can continue enjoying sex.

Easier said than done and men have been working on delaying orgasm for centuries since it is not polite for him to have his orgasm before she has her orgasms.
The orgasm is separate from the ejaculation. Orgasms are the flexing of the peri muscle while ejaculation is the release of fluid from the penis. By doing his Kegel exercises (stopping and starting the flow of urine while urinating by flexing this muscle) he can improve his control and strengthen this muscle.

A man can ejaculate without having an orgasm and can orgasm without ejaculating.
There are various methods used to delay orgasm including thinking of something else, focusing upon your partner, slowing down, changing positions, and stopping whatever is going on so he can regain his control. Condoms can also be used since they decrease his ability to feel to some degree.

Men can also practice using masturbation. The idea is for him to control his orgasm first and then to control his ejaculation by finding the pause in-between the two. Once found, increase the time of this pause by flexing the peri muscle during orgasm - thus extending the orgasm and extending the pause. Getting this just right may take some practice. This extending the pause is known as edge play because the man is riding on the edge of ejaculation.

To practice during intercourse, use small movements on her hotspots, moving from one to the other after each of her orgasms. Thrusting will only lead to orgasm and ejaculation so the idea is to avoid thrusting. A steady rocking movement that permits both partners to savor the orgasms that roll on through is the goal.

Women can assist in this endeavor in one of two ways. The first is by “doubling him” which is forcing out another orgasm just when he’s having one by continuing the movements that brought him to orgasm. Most men have a kind of “second gear” that they employ when moving to orgasm. Match his “second gear” and keep going until he comes again.

The second method is to delay or prevent thrusting using your body, internal muscles, or to delay orgasm by squeezing the base of his penis with some firmness, but not a vice-like grip, with your fingers. What technique will be required does vary from partner to partner so some exploration and experimentation will be needed.
Please be advised that men might also experience the same ‘false pain’ as a woman might when becoming multi-orgasmic and for the same reason. Once again, once he has become multi-orgasmic, the pain will not reoccur.

The point to doing all of this is to make it possible for men to continue the sexual interlude for four to five hours without needing a break. It is not mandatory. Should a man suffer from premature ejaculation, he might want to pursue edge play with the aim of gaining more control over himself.

There is a difference between circumcised and uncircumcised penises.
Circumcised penises tend to be less sensitive, from having been rubbing up against clothing for years, which tends to make edge play easier. No guarantees of course, as individuals vary.

It is entirely possible to have satisfying sex without going through all of this. But think about it. Wouldn’t it be fun to have two or three orgasms per erection? Wouldn’t it be fun to have sex continuously for four to five hours?
There is Tantric sex, the Kama Sutra, and various other methods available for those wishing to put some spirituality (etc.) into their sex life and this is fine as long as your partner is willing.

Then there’s the opposite problem from premature ejaculation: Erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety, and the inability to ejaculate. In the absence of any medical conditions (which are beyond the scope of this book), body worship will help these conditions by relaxing him.

If a man has used steroids or some illegal drugs - he will not be able to orgasm. Should a woman come across a bulked up man with small testicles - he used steroids. “Users” are harder to spot but be advised that drugs tend to ruin the quality of sex to the point of why waste your time. Women can be similarly afflicted but normally the inability to orgasm in women stems from what is in their heads (what they believe) than what is in their bodies.

The Multi-Orgasmic Woman

She is not a myth. Women can have as many orgasms as she wants as often as she wants if only she will permit herself to do so. Many women base their ideas regarding sex and their bodies on outside influences. Since most men can have only one orgasm at a time, many women also assume that the same is true of them. It is not true.

What is true is that women have to learn how to orgasm. This is best done using masturbation to the point of orgasm. Women are born with all of the equipment and necessary circuits but those circuits are not activated since reproduction does not require orgasm. Partners can assist can until the circuits are activated nothing will happen. Women who have difficulty reaching orgasm should practice masturbating to orgasm as frequently as they can.

Many women think that by tensing their bodies and thinking hard they can force themselves to orgasm. No. Doing either will stop an orgasm from happening. To orgasm, a woman should instead imagine herself floating on an inflatable raft on ocean swells under the hot sun and a light warm breeze. Relax and let the ocean swells just roll in and out underneath her. No stress. No worries. All is right with the world. Think about nothing at all except how good this feels - again and again and again.

Orgasms are like ocean swells. They build. They slide along. They subside. Let them come. Permit them to roll on through you. Savor each one, small or large, in its turn as it comes. Enjoy the upwelling energy of each afterglow. Soon they all overlap and a woman enters a kind of nirvana, a fully aware but relaxed state where even the slightest breath will induce more orgasms.

Men can get very jealous.

Except the men who can assist a woman into this state. They walk around like they’re kings of the universe. And so they should for they are selflessly giving pleasure beyond what they themselves can usually achieve. No man can have as many orgasms as any woman. Men are simply not built that way.

To introduce women to being multi-orgasmic, a man has to both relax and arouse her. This is best done through body worship. Once she is relaxed and aroused, he can being bringing her to orgasm stimulating each ‘hotspot’ in turn. These ‘hotspots’ are the clitoris, the G-spot, the anterior fornix and the posterior fornix. Using every method he knows to begin in a little variety, assist her to orgasm before moving on to the next ‘hotspot’.

Should she need a rest in between orgasms, being a beginner so to speak, return to body worship. Gradually decrease the time between orgasms.

Some women become extremely sensitive after an orgasm. Instead of pleasure, they experience pain. This is actually a ‘false pain’. What is happening is her brain is not used to this new level of sensation and gets confused. The brain does not like being confused and wants this addition input to stop until the brain can sort it all out.

Give it time. Breathe calmly, deeply and relax through the pain if you have any. Let it go. On the other side are orgasms waiting their turn. Be assured that once breached, this ‘wall’ will no longer exist. Once you become multi-orgasmic, you will always be multi-orgasmic. From then on there will only be pleasure.

Cuddling afterwards is mandatory after a nirvana sex interlude. Wrap your partner into your big strong arms and bear hug her. Laugh, smile, and celebrate! Tell your partner never to hide from you again because you are now a king of the universe.

Fragile Egos

No one is attractive to everyone. But in our heart of hearts - we want everyone to find us irresistable. We want everyone to say "yes". We want to be so devastating that we can make a sewage treatment plant "sexy" just by walking by it. We want the mere idea of us unbuttoning our blouse enough to make every man ejaculate in his pants. It could happen. Certainly, some people have "it". Somewhere. But we learn to deal with this kind of "ego-risk" as part of the maturation process.

The fragile ego being discussed here is the kind that releases the dark side of human nature. The fragile ego being discussed here is the result of having once been prey to a predator. Fragile egos are those that have been destroyed by others whose own egos have been previously destroyed by someone else with a fragile ego.

Abuse lives on because the abuser feels powerless and thus seeks what makes him/her feel powerful. Since the underlying cause of his/her powerlessness remains unaddressed, the wound is not healed, the need continues into pathology and a predator is born.

Insecurity, which is only fear in fancy dress, is to blame for all of this. One's fears cause fragility. When one fears something, one gives power away to whatever one fears leaving one powerless before whatever is fearful.

Fear of being abandoned makes women stay in toxic relationships. Fear of being seen as weak makes men raise their fists towards those they say they love. Fear of being rejected leads people to take what they were not given.

This is not how we should live.

Your happiness should not depend upon the ruination of another person. Your happiness should not depend upon the spilling of another's blood nor upon the breaking of another's bones. Your happiness should not depend upon the twisting of another person's mind or the blighting of their hopes and dreams. No one should have to die at your hands or upon your orders.


Resolve now to face up to your fears. Examine why you fear. Find another way.
Be gentle to eachother and try to consider their point of view.
Get help.

For an unexamined life is not worth living.

This Sort of Thing

"I love the way you respond to slow caresses; to being touched by my hands and lips. Up along your arms, over your shoulders, sliding across your jaw and cheek, down your back, and over your thighs and rump finishing with the lightest of lingering kisses on your lips. I give as good as I get. I want your entire body to sing. I want your blood to soar. I want your very soul to disintegrate in passion."

"Blindfolded, shackled, and kneeling before Her; She caresses your cheek. Her scent wafts over you as She passes by in front of you. A new scent comes to you and a woman’s mons is pressed to your lips. You eagerly tease her clitoris with your lips and tongue servicing her and drinking deeply as she comes into your waiting mouth. You suck up every drop and lick her inner thighs clean before she too moves on. Another places her hand on the back of your neck and guides your mouth to her vagina. Indistinct murmurs of approval as heard as you repeat your excellent service. The ladies pass in rotation again and again and you grow more frustrated at not being able to use your hands, at not being able to witness the pleasure you give, at having only to hear and taste their enjoyment. You grow stiff from kneeling and begin to ache. You want to come but mustn’t. You want to come but mustn’t. You want to come but mustn’t. But your boy betrays you and your semen hits the floor. You wait for your punishment. What is it to be? But only silence greets you. You have been left alone in your immobile darkness unable to do anything but remain as you are. Until She comes. If She comes. Your muscles quiver and shake in their pain. You dare not call out for Her. How long will you wait? How long has it been? In darkness, in pain, you wait. You wait. You hurt. You wait. You are in agony. She comes. You hear her footsteps softly approaching. You may neither beg nor plead. You may only accept. The shackles are removed. She helps you rise and guides you to a chair. She removes your blindfold and gently kisses the hair on the top of your head. You are released. She hugs you with all of Her might and smiles, saying “Thank you, darling.”

"Last night the silken slow sliding down your body finding that which made you quiver and catch your breath in delight slow very slowly twining around your shoulders your waist your loins feeling you against my cheek your skin and fur on my skin until I too quiver and burn with a predatory desire kissing caressing licking hearing your pleasure the black leather cuffs on your wrists the strap around the bedpost restraining your arms kissing up and along nuzzling enjoying you purrrrrrrrrrrrr bless and be blessed."

Metaphysics of Sex

What you believe controls what you do. Simply put, when considering the metaphysics of sex there are sexual pessimists and sexual optimists.

Sexual pessimists believe sex is bestial and debasing. Humans are reduced to animals by sex. Sex decreases one's spirituality and draws one away from God. Virginity is laudable. Procreation is the only purpose to sex. Sex reduces one's beloved to the status of being an object to satisfy your animal lusts instead of a person.

The problem with this view is that unlike most other animals, humans can decline to have sex, choose to have sex, choose between sexual partners, accept or decline to participate in whatever one's partner has in mind by way of sex. Choice separates us from animals.

Sexual optimists believe that sex brings people together, binding them to one another. Sex is also for pleasure and is good for you emotionally, spiritually, and physically. One's beloved is a partner with whom you're sharing yourself. Virginity is a handicap.

There are problems with this view as well since sex can cause problems. Sex with just anybody at all can indicate emotional problems. If there is any incompatibility between partners, sex will bring that incompatibility out into the open. There's no where to run; no where to hide when it comes to sex.

Sexual pessimists make poor bedfellows and sexual optimists can be all too generous. They often marry each other...and then the fighting starts.

What's Wanted

Forget positions, toys, techniques, lingerie, role-playing - forget all of it. All of the is irrelevant and all you have been taught about sex and the sexes is wrong.
While there is no such thing as a generic human being, there are two things every man and woman wants when considering their sexual partners.

First: and enthusiastic partner living in the moment with him/her
Second: a partner who reciprocates, giving as good as he/she gets

One achieves this by fully embracing one's sexuality, by understanding your partners, and by being filled with the joy of life. It does take some effort so put your back into it. Men aren't all ravening wolves and women aren't all timid little bunnies. Men also do not only want just one thing. They do think about things other than sex and women think about sex more than you might imagine.

But there are problems. Most of these are from our own internal conflicts about sex and gender roles. Our internal conflicts make us send out mixed messages to our prospective partners who, understandably, become confused. Yes, thank you, or No, thank you, are sufficient and either decision does not need to be justified. You do not have to give a reason.

Please be advised however, the first time with any new lover will not be the best time with him/her. Until you both learn about each other and relax, the sex will not be the conflagration of souls that we all desire. The Golden Rule of treating others as you yourself want to be treated applies, even more so, to sexual relations. Please bear this in mind as you go along.

Women & Humor

Gentlemen - she didn't think it was funny. She thinks you may have meant it to be funny but it left such a bad taste in her mouth that - well, you have lost serious points with her and she's wondering why she hasn't strangled you yet. In fact, much of men's humor has most women wondering why most men remain alive.

The line between funny and not funny lies in between Groucho Marx (funny) and The Three Stooges (not funny). Bugs Bunny is funny and Spongebob is not funny.

And it gets worse. Many of the "how to get women" books written for men advise a man to 'bust' on a woman while being 'cute and cocky'. Don't. She is not one of your male buddies and she will not take it well if you treat her as if she were one of them. Oh, of course there may be one or two who will like it - humans being variable - but generaly, save the 'busting' humor for after she's bedded you when you stand a decent chance of having it be accepted.

Women like wit - the wittier, the better. They like a man who is 'fast on his feet'.

There's that scene in The Big Sleep with Bogart and Bacall where they're talking about horse-racing, except they're not. What they are doing is playing a variant of that delightful game called Shot Your Fox. That kind of chemistry is precisely what you gentlemen should seek to achieve. Should a woman decide to play this game with you, you're in luck - for she has decided to enjoy you - unless you make a mistake.

Husband is yelling about things never being put back where they belong. Snatches up a screwdriver and angrily demands to know who left it out. Wife warningly growls that she did. Husband then goes all meek and mild and bats his eyelashes at her and says "I'll be happy to put it away for your, my dear." on his way to the garage. His children applaud him for having made a great save.

The point, gentlemen, is to never lose your sense of humor and also be prepared to use it - correctly - to keep the lady by your side and on your side.

Humor will also be needed should the lady of your choice decide to raise children with you. Child says he wants to run away from home. Dad looks up and asks "Promise?" and Mom advises the child to not tease his father. Often, humor will get the message across, and make the message much more acceptable to the recipient, than anything else.

"If you can make her laugh, she won't strangle you." - direct quote from the child in the above example.

Gentlemen - save yourselves!

Less of a Man

Men are people who live in terms of heirarchy. This is how they assess each other.Who outranks whom is not so much the issue here; rather it is a question of having assumed the responsibilities expected of a man in his society. In western cultures, the priorities are, in ascending order, gainful employment, wife, children, grandchildren. Somewhere along the way, a man is also expected to become a householder - a man of property. Shades of meaning enter the picture when one begins assessing the quality of the wife, children, grandchildren, and property. The title all men wish to avoid is that of drone; a man with nothing to offer beyond his biology who attaches himself to a woman.

Women assess men differently. While women acknowledge the worth of the above, wwomen judge men upon their behavior - how a man acquires the employment, wife, children, etc. matters just as much as whether he has them. Lying, stealing, cheating, or gaining them because he was bought and these are his payoff will diminish his value in her eyes. Women want men who will enjoy honoring their obligations and show some grace while doing so which is why a pregnant wife about to give birth is not thrilled to find her husband several states away in a hotel bar with his girlfriend. for us, a man has to be more than just 'a steady paycheck'.

Men are caught up in "love, honor, and cherish" as well as in "protect, defend, and provide".

It is only his inability to meet those obligations that make him less of a man; not whatever he gets up to in the bedroom.

Invitations

A caring, considerate person does not ever demand his/her beloved participate in any sexual activity. You may, however, invite him/her to share this or that with you. This is because so much of sex is also bound up with what a person thinks about themselves - as in "less of a man" or "not being womanly".


Women do not generally see themselves as being sexually aggressive. So demanding that she be sexually aggressive may strike her as wanting her to behave "unnaturally" - in a way contrary to her beliefs.


Men generally are not in favor of just passively receiving a woman's attention especially if they see themselves as being submissive or subordinate to her. He may feel that you see him as being "less of a man".


Any frontal assault on such beliefs will be seen as a threat. ("Pushing limits" is the same thing more neatly dressed.) You cannot do that without damaging your image and place within the relationship. Threats, whether real or not, do not generate that loving feeling.


But you can invite him/her to play.


Invitations suggest delight, fun, joy and there's nothing threatening in that. Light and laughter whilst rolling around together - who would object to participating? Instead of being seen as some uncaring, inconsiderate lout (or worse), you are now seen as a wonderfully adventurous playmate; a sincere lover and a true friend.


All because you invited instead of demanded.

We Are People

Men and women are human beings first. Therefore, in the absence of pathology, we all share the same hopes, dreams, and desires - as well as the trials of life. The genders are more alike than they are different. We all want happiness. We all want a good life. The questions are only about the details.


It is in those details that we run into our problems.


There is a communication problem between the genders where often what you heard was not what was said. Women do nuance and most men do not. Languages mutate over time and place making communication inprecise. Intonation, inflection can be lost or misunderstood.


If in doubt, seek clarification.

There is no getting away from the fact that men and women are both wired and raised differently. It is in all of our best interests to improve our inter-gender communication so we can improve our inter-gender relationships. To this end, I offer the following advice:

1. Men - put your egos away for a moment and listen. If you do not quite understand - ask.

2. Women - stop analyzing, he means what he said; stop using nuance when speaking to him.

Treat each other with civility, which is due to every human being, if not respect, which needs to be earned individually. With care, precision/clarity, and consideration - we can effectively communicate.

Be gentle with each other - we are all cousins.

The Conflagration

Sex, if you're paying attention and doing it right, is NEVER boring. No matter how many times you enjoy that person, it is never the same. The mood is different and both of you are different because you grow and change over time. Closely noticing those changes, becoming increasingly intuitive, learning new things, sharing more and more with your partner - how could sex with him/her ever possibly be the same?

Sex is not just sound and fury - it is also a sensuous interplay of nuances and beguiling subtleties.

You do not need toys, lingerie, pornoography, a new position, something kinky, etc. etc. What you need is to stop hiding from your partner. You need to stop lying ot your partner. You need to open your mind to how sex enriches and enhances your life. Abandon fear. Find yourself in the freedom of accepting and embracing your sexuality - that fiery beating heart that causes your blood to sing is your birthright.

Sex is to be enjoyed for its own sake.

Sex binds us together by sharing in its joys. Sex is not to appease, to reward, to hurt, or to manipulate people. Sex is not a tool. Sex is the physical expression of desire for another. Sex is also not just for young people, not just for beautiful people, and it's not just for procreation - oh no. Sex is also not base or animalistic. Since we're humans - sex is so much more than just insert tab a into slot b.

This blog is all about releasing you from those chains around your mind. Some of you may have issues regarding sex - from culture, religion, past experiences - whatever. Some of you may have medical issues of some kind. Nevermind - all of these can be arranged so you can enjoy a richly overwhelmingly satisfying sex life.

Welcome & Enjoy!